Tag Archives: fertility

2

A little too late

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My husband sent me a link this afternoon via email. The subject of the email read “Too little, too late”. My heart dropped as I opened the link and the news report from ABC opened up and the first word my eye caught was “uterus”.

I feel sick to my stomach thinking that there could soon be the possibility of a successful uterine transplant in the U.S for several reasons. I can’t pin point exactly how I feel about it, but at least I know that I care.

My heart sinks thinking of all the time I’ve spent mourning the loss of my child bearing ability. The possibility of reversing my physical impairment is something I can’t quite accept. This may be a crude comparison, but I have already lost that part of me and I can’t imagine how I would feel if I got it back; especially if there were complications post surgery. There’s no guarantee that even with the transplant that a pregnancy would be successful; would I even want to take the chance again?
But then there’s the possibility of knowing the feeling of being pregnant again; and that feeling just may overpower all other emotions. To experience pregnancy again, no matter how sick I was during my brief experience, I would give almost anything. The ability to carry my own children and give birth to them is something I have wanted my whole life – and now there are women just like me that may be given the chance.

And then I think, my life wouldn’t be going in the direction I’m headed without that life experience, no matter how terrible it was. I would never want to live through it again, but I know very well that I am a different person now because of it. I appreciate things more, I feel compassionate for others more, and one day when I do have children I will thank God for every second that I have with them.

Moving forward with life, I don’t know what my decision would be if I was presented with the opportunity to have this surgery. I do know, however, that I am completely supportive of the chance for other women to change their ability to carry their own children. Some people ask me, “how could you say that when there are so many children that need adopted in our country?” Well, my answer to that is simple – when the politics are taken out of family planning, this country will not have to worry so much about how many children need to be adopted. If the process for a child to find a home did not involve such lengthy, tiring, and often extremely expensive lengths, I think more children would have permanent homes.

I can speak of this personally, as Jake and I had the opportunity twice to potentially adopt newborns. Both chances were taken away when the birth mother decided to keep her child. In the state of North Carolina, birth mothers are entitled to a length of time in which they may decide to change their minds about giving up their baby. After what we’ve been through, how could anyone in our situation be expected to be given a baby just to have it potentially taken back? We’ve already experienced that once; no thank you.
So to those who may benefit from a uterine transplant -  go for it. Make children the way women were designed to do so instead of the way society deems appropriate. There will still be families who choose to adopt, and there will still be women who choose to give up their babies; these cycles will not be broken by a scientific break through in women’s fertility.

Source: ABC News

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Wellness/uterus-transplant-latest-fertility-feat/story?id=17261824#.UFnnAK6nxnA

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7 months and 5 days later -

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July 19th 2012

 

To some people, the definition of “waiting a lifetime” means years, decades, or more; for others, a lifetime is 7 months of excruciating emotional rollercoasters, fake smiles, and weekly counseling sessions. I haven’t pretended to have endured a “lifetime” of waiting for my baby, but I’ve certainly been through my own lifetime supply of heartbreak.

Today, there was a break in the clouds for us when we witnessed the implantation of our precious little embryo into our carrier’s uterus. Before I explain that process, let me give an overview of my own procedure last weekend.

On Saturday July 14th, exactly 7 months to the day after I lost what I thought was all hope, the angels-in-disguise-as-doctors at the REACH clinic harvested my eggs. I had been prepping my body for months; I quit drinking caffeine a month before I started injections, and rested every day like they instructed me to. I kept my stress as low as possible, and diligently injected myself 4 times a day with insane amounts of hormones. All for the glimmer of hope at having a baby! The procedure went smoothly, partially because I was under IV sedation. I had forgotten what a Godsend that medication is, because truly I wouldn’t have been able to lie on the table during that procedure without it. I was a nervous wreck before they even took me back; wondering how many eggs they would be able to get, how many would be “good”, what it would feel like when I woke up, etc. A little bee sting and a syringe of sleepy-juice later, I was waking up from a great nap with the anticipation of learning how many “egglings” I had produced. The magic number was 17.

If you’ve read my previous entries, there is one specifically detailing the mathematical madness behind egg retrieval and fertilization. What it boils down to is that we started with 23 total eggs before my harvesting. Of those, 17 were mature enough to retrieve and then 14 of those were acceptable for fertilization. After fertilization, 11 made it through the first night and continued to divide and grow into embryos. Unfortunately, only 2 embryos made it to the optimal stage of development for implantation or cryofreezing (storage). IVF is a numbers game, and it’s the risk you take when going through the process not knowing exactly what to expect. But, we remain optimistic and hope that God’s plan for us is two successful pregnancies resulting in our biological children.

((Quick side note – if you’re reading this, and you’ve ever suffered a miscarriage, please understand that this “numbers game” applies to all women! Getting pregnant is truly a timed miracle, don’t give up. Your little eggling is in there J ))

So today, Dr. Wing (ironic name, we know) explained which of the embryos was the farthest along in maturation and why it was the best to transfer. We were given pictures of our precious embryos from the embryologist, and I was even allowed to go back into the OR with Kristen for the transfer. The minute I walked through the doors, my palms got sweaty and I felt the hot stinging of tears filling their stations ready to be released. I looked up at the operating room TV screen to watch the embryologist prepare the embryo into the transfer catheter, and then changed my focus to the other screen monitoring Kristen’s uterus. I watched as the greyscale tones changed on the screen indicating that the catheter was in place, and I could see the tube in its final position for transfer. A split second trigger and my precious little ball of cells was officially in its 9 month 98.6 degree oven for baking. I completely and totally lost it and cried my eyes out in front of the doctor and nurses; I’m sure it’s not the first time they’ve seen it, but it was such an emotional release. I’m sure I was squeezing Kristen’s hand harder than she was squeezing mine, but I was so thankful that I got to be there and witness this miracle.

After 30 minutes of resting, Kristen was released from the clinic and able to go home and enjoy 24 hours of bed rest.

My aunt said to me tonight on the phone, “some people don’t realize the true miracle that a baby really is, but the two of you get to witness every stage of it”. It’s true; I’m still in shock that I saw everything I did today. The miracle of life itself was on a TV screen in an operating room, and I have the pictures to prove it.

Now, it’s a waiting game. Kristen will come back to the clinic on our scheduled day (which will remain a mystery, sorry!) for her pregnancy test. The blood test will take about 2 hours to process, which will be the longest 2 hours of my life. I’m excited, hopeful, optimistic, but still cautiously realistic. There is no guarantee in life and I understand that all too well, but I truly believe this is our time, and I’m more than ready.

And here it is…

We make some cute embryos!

1

Shots, shots, shots, shots (everybody!)

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Back to the real world after experiencing paradise for a whole week – and I must say, it was a much needed break for both Jake and I. The first day of vacation I literally didn’t know what to do without my cellphone or laptop, and I walked around for hours before I was comfortable just -sitting-…aka, relaxing. Then, I slept for four days straight. I slept on the beach, on the boat, by the pool..you get the picture.

We came back home just in time to receive our newly signed gestational carrier agreement, which was very exciting. Jake and I went to the bank the same day and had our portions signed and notarized, and then mailed it off to its new home at our lawyer’s office in Charlotte. Today, Friday, I got the call I’ve been waiting for months to hear: REACH received the “go ahead” from our attorney (meaning the contracts are official) and that we can schedule our tentative egg retrieval and transfer dates. I felt like someone was telling me that I’m going to be a mom; and I’m not going to lie, it scared me to pieces. I was instantly elated at the thought of this whole process being over so soon, but then almost just as quickly I was terrified at the thought of all the “what if’s” and “possibilities”. Let’s be honest here, I do seem to be the minority percentage (aka – murphy’s law) in every situation in my life. I can’t help but have my guard up when someone tells me that I could be expecting a baby again in as little as two months; it just doesn’t seem real. Then again, it seems all too real. It was only a year ago this month that we decided to try to become parents, and time has moved so quickly from there.

So the plan is for me to begin my hormone injections in about two weeks, and then three or four weeks after that we will be harvesting my eggs! That sounds so awkward, like someone is going to have a picnic basket full of eggs for me, but I guess that’s what it is; instead of a picnic basket, it’s a petri dish. If someone would have told me this time last year that I would be going through this process to have a baby, I wouldn’t even think any of this was possible. Who knew life could begin in a dish of jelly? Crude, maybe..but true!

The next few weeks will produce (hopefully) very informative blog entries as we make our way through the IVF path; doctors will be doing a “mock transfer” on Kristen (our carrier) next week, and then the week after that I will begin my shots. I want to document all of this for anyone who is going through what we are, or maybe know someone who is. This whole situation is such a sensitive and delicate topic, it’s hard to know how to support someone going through it. Always know that if you have a friend, co-worker, or family member experiencing the IVF (or any fertility) treatment to become parents, it is in no way an “easy” option. I would *much* rather carry my own child than go through everything this entails – but in the end, we will do whatever necessary to become parents.

Pursley Pre-transfer Getaway 2012

1

A Decision is Made

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Today was a long day, but for good reason. We arrived at REACH this morning around 9:15 am for our day full of appointments with our surrogate (gestational carrier) and her husband – aka, my cousin Kristen Broome. So it’s official, our “surrogate” has a name! A lot of people already know, being that this info has been plastered everywhere from the Charlotte Observer to Fox News. However, we had never officially given her name. So here we are, jumping into this process head first!

We decided to continue our IVF treatment at REACH for several reasons, one of them being the ability to finance. While we we adamant to avoid this, there is no feasible way to write a check for the entire amount due (IVF alone is around 20k) by July. So, to remove some of the pressure, we decided to get a loan for the amount we need and make payments using the money we have raised (and then some, if we need to). It will be hard to have the monthly payments with me still being in school full time, but we are counting on our fabulous fundraising abilities to carry us through the fall when we apply for 501(c)(3) status (nonprofit).

Emotionally, I am still on the same roller-coaster that I’ve been riding for the past 5 months; but there seem to be more “ups” than “downs” in the near future. I am ecstatic to finally anticipate something tangible; our baby is trulynot that faraway! I can look forward to a lot in the next year, but I also know that there will be many hard times as well. Not feeling my own baby’s first kick, not experiencing the “glow” of pregnancy (although my previous pregnancy was quite rough from the get-go), and worst of all – not knowing the feeling of delivering my baby from my own body. A lot of people tell me, “this is the way to go! None of the hard parts, and you still get a baby!”. True, but I would give up the “ease” of having a surrogate carry for me if it meant I could carry and deliver my own child like most women. Oh well, this is the route we have to take; and because I know at the end of this particular path is a baby for us, I will smile the whole way.

Here she is! My wonderful carrier & cousin, Kristen.

For more information about our fertility clinic, please visit them at www.NorthCarolinaFertility.com

12

National Infertility Awareness Week

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In honor of NIAW this coming Monday, 4/22, I wrote the following entry. It is being nominated for the “Hope Award” for best blog, via the RESOLVE organization. I could win a trip to NY to speak about my story & infertility if I win! Fingers crossed…

I strongly believe that women are the strongest beings on Earth, and here’s my tribute to those of us who have been down this rocky road.

Don’t ignore…

Don’t ignore time. Four months ago, I was four months pregnant – and it was taken in an instant. Don’t take any second of your life for granted, it is all with a purpose. My first and only pregnancy I will ever experience is now a precious memory that I will carry with me always, but I have learned that time presses on with or without your consent. I wanted to stay wrapped in the week that I lost him, because it was easier to say that “earlier this week, I was pregnant”. That week grew to a month, and now has turned into a quarter of a year. A month from now, what would have been my due date will approach and time will not slow down or cease to exist just because I dread that day.  And after that, it will be one bundle of memories that I tie together in order to move forward and still remember it all; time heals all wounds.

Don’t ignore the fact that we women warriors fighting the battle of infertility deserve a family just as much as a woman who can get pregnant naturally. Without my uterus, I am still human; I still have emotions and feelings, and the insatiable need to be a mother. I can still be one of the best mothers that this Earth has ever known, even if it means that my child will come from another woman’s womb. I have learned a lot from this tragedy life has handed me, one thing being that I will never give up. I always wondered when my “breaking point” in this path would be, but it seems as though the harder the path gets, the stronger my will becomes. I am not scared of the cost, or the trials, or the tests, or the legalities, or the nay-sayers and pessimists, or the possibility of failing; because I have already failed and picked myself back up. Life gets no worse for me than what I have already been through, so bring on the storms and I’ll show you what steel magnolias are made of.

Don’t ignore the priceless gift that those extraordinary miracles of women that we call “surrogates” or “gestational carriers” give to us infertile women. If the birth of a baby is considered a miracle, then the selflessness of a woman willing to carry that miracle for someone else must be a Godsend; these saints on Earth that we have the privilege of knowing are here to be the real heroes in these scenarios. Sure, our foundation is going on to help other couples like us begin families, but the truth is that we cannot help people like us without the women who are willing to be the missing link that we need in the chain of what creates a family.

Don’t ignore your own feelings of hopelessness and sorrow through this journey. While no sane person enjoys being sad, it is necessary to understand that you have a disease just as other women who suffer from other debilitating illnesses. Emotionally, mentally, and physically you have felt the wrath of one of the most unfair and unfortunate situations any woman can imagine. Let your beautiful soul heal in whatever way is necessary, so that one day when that miracle of life is given to you, you can look at your new life with a deep and undying appreciation for yourself and your new family. I am proud of my scars both internally and externally, because they are the accessories to my life story and proof that I have earned my incredible strength.

And don’t ignore the safety net that is formed from the network of family, friends, and community that support the people like us walking this path. Whether it’s a best friend or a business, a neighborhood or a supper club, we need the support system that God provides us with – no matter how small or large. We will weather this storm, but it is a much more tolerable storm when we have the umbrellas of care, compassion, love and understanding provided by the incredible people in our lives that refuse to leave us out in the rain.

Please visit our website, www.RobertWilliamFoundation.org, to learn how we are working to help other couples begin families. We are also advocating for change in legislation regarding IVF/ART coverage in insurance mandates in NC. Read all about it, and learn how to help us help others!

Please visit these fertility services and advocacy sources: